LETTERS-September 2004
Celebrating Diversity at EAR CANDY!

If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing.
-Kingley Amis

EDITOR COMMENTS CONTAIN HARSH LANGUAGE AND A HEAVY DOSE OF REALITY!


Right: Hmmmmm...that's the face of a real intellectual!

Intro:
Well, well, well...itís been awhile since we had a "letters" section for EAR CANDY. So, I'd like to share a letter that I just received the other day. Was it someone complaining about a review or any of our editorial content? Was it someone that noted a historical error in one of our rock case study articles?

Nope. It was a musician who felt free to insult my intelligence AND waste my time by sending me a political manifesto! We reviewed his CD a few issues ago, but I seriously doubt he's read anything else in EAR CANDY! I'll let you decide for yourself, as I will print the contents of his letter (minus the link that he added). And of course I have my own comments added during the course of his ramblings. I might sound a little acerbic, but in the immortal words of Nick Lowe, you've gotta be "cruel to be kind".

From Kristian Hoffman

Hello Dear Music lovers!

I am going to ask for a moment of your time to listen to me rant and hector in a political fashion. If you knew how much I HATE it when people do that, you'd realize this is a request I don't make lightly!

O.K., we are already off on the wrong foot here. YOU got "a moment" of my time and now it is payback time in spades.
Quid quo pro...
Firstly, you are assuming quite a bit in your "request" Mr. Huffman! You say you "HATE it whenpeople do that", then you go right ahead and do it yourself. Secondly, where the hell do you come off sending us ANY politically themed bullshit at EAR CANDY? Do you see ANY articles about the Presidential candidates in EAR CANDY? You obviously think we give a damn about your pathetic little whining and your chicken-little doomsday crapola. But hey, your letter does give a great example of why to NEVER listen to a musician talk about politics!

You can be the poster child for a new affliction - "cluelessfuckidis", a sad and degenerative disease that seems to be predominately reserved for musicians. The tell-tale signs of this include: a rambling, pessimistic view of the world, marked by outlandish claims derived by questionable sources, frequent contradiction and the overall narcissistic view that the rest of the world gives a damn!

The coming election is a very scary and divisive one. DUH! I know that's not saying anything you don't already know.

"Scary" huh? Funny, but I don't feel scared in the least. But then again, I'm a man, not a whining little boy. "Divisive"? Well, probably not as much as you've imagined. Sounds like you have fallen for the media scare tactics. Does Area 51 scare you as well?

But I know that for me, the enormity of what is in the balance, and the ugliness of the battle between the candidates, sometimes depresses and overwhelms me so much that I want to resign from the race and disown my power, little though it may be.

Thus is the nature of politics. If it "depresses and overwhelms" you, then take some fucking Prozac and shut the fuck up.

But, THIS OLD FOGEY IS TAKING A STAND! Because I realize that what is at stake is literally SAVING the WORLD. That's something I can identify with - and I'm not going to sit this one out!

Uh oh, now we have delusions of grandeur! I feel so blessed that you are such a self-anointed profit that can see what us mere mortals cannot possibly comprehend. You can practically see the halo-like aura surrounding Mr. Huffman as he proclaims these "truths". And of course we get more apocalyptic ratings.

It should be fairly apparent that Bush and his cronies aredestroying:

The environment
The economy
The health care system (what little there is)
The educational system
The American legacy of civil rights
Our relationship with all of our world neighbors
And the very lives of young men and women sent to kill in an illegal war based on lies and deception

How do I respond to all of these "claims"? Simple Ė Iím gonna let the U.S. citizens decide by voting in November. If, and only if, all these things are true - then there will be a change in power. There are a few things that you left out Kris, like:

The explosion of the Space shuttle was entirely because it was overloaded with oil that Bush had "stolen" from the moon and was bringing back to earth.
Bush is working with aliens at Area 51 to develop an uber-evil republican master race that will take over the world!

As fast as he possibly can! And that's pretty darn fast! He's GOOD at destruction!

And I don't think that we, as a people, a nation, or a planet can afford another four years of this!

BUT HERE COMES THE GOOD PART! IT ONLY TAKES A COUPLE OF PEOPLE,PEOPLE LIKE US, TO SAVE THE WORLD!

Here we go again, more saving-the-world-if-you-listen-to-me crapola. He's starting to sound like some crazed fucking hippie info-mercial. "Hurry, if you call within the next 30 minutes you will receive a free "save the world" hemp wristband! Show your solidarity!"

You wanna save the world? Why donít you be more useful and save some fucking stamps instead? Or better yet, save your breath.

We all know from the last (stolen) election, how few votes it would take to turn this thing around. So if everyone one of us can just try to get ONE or TWO people who might otherwise not vote to do so Ė this election can be won! It's that easy!

Ahh, a perfect example of those that fall through the cracks in our educational system. "Stolen" election? Can somebody send this clueless fuck a web link to a copy of the U.S. Constitution? He needs a quick refresher course in basic high school political theory.

And all it takes is using the power of the one magical gift that is truly our own - our VOICES.

Well, I agree with you here, your "voice" will be your vote. And November will decide.

I was sitting next to my friend Damian Kulash, the lead singer of OK go, trying to decide important things - like which Rufus Wainwright songs to include in my web diary - when he offered me his SUCCINCT, WELL WRITTEN, HIGHLY RESEARCHED MANIFESTO on simple little everyday things we as "just folks" can do to make a difference between now and November.

He used HIS voice to remind me that there's a few things more important than my favorite pastimes of bitching, whining, kvetching, and congratulating myself on how clever I am! Like, perhaps using that wasted energy to speak my truth!

So I'm passing his paper along to you, dear reader, in hopes you can spare the 15 minutes he admits it will take to read it, and then maybe think of one or two simple things you can do to help Kerry beat Bush. You can find it here: (link deleted)

Sorry, my conscience doesn't allow me to perpetrate untruths. Besides, anything with "manifesto" in the title reeks of socialism.

It's written with specific hints for musicians to add easy practical things to their agenda, but it can easily be extrapolated into a variety of suggestions for any artsy sophisticated fun sardonicconcerned music-loving person - people like YOU and ME - who loves our country, AND the world, and want to see them in a productive loving peace with one another.

It's NOT impossible. It's SIMPLE!

And Damian will give you a few tips on how to achieve it. So read this - you won't be bored. And then you can discard it. Or think about it. Or forward it. Or do what I'm doing with it -

Use it as an excuse to remind everyone that we CAN get the fuck out there and make a difference!

Love - which, mixed with a petite soupcon of action - can STILL save the world,

Kristian

Well, Krissy, for someone who "loves our country" you sure come off sounding like a hate-filled lunatic. I'm sure that you truly believe all the things that you espoused in your letter. But then again, Hitler truly believed he was right.

I do thank you for your letter as it does point out that there are some seriously deranged individuals out there! And it was entertaining in a sad kind of way. I truly hope your music is more entertaining than your thought processes. But, don't bother sending another CD for review...I'm still a little miffed at you for wasting my time like this.

Regards,

Ronnie
Editor EAR CANDY

P.S. What is the lesson learned today class? Don't send EAR CANDY spam of any kind! Or I'll tear you a new one.

Now, let's get back to the MUSIC shall we?